Things You Shouldn’t Run With

  • Scissors
  • Knitting needles
  • Hot coffee
  • Your infant
  • Great-grandmother’s blue vase
  • Broken glass
  • A vial of smallpox virus
  • 3 Mako sharks
  • Mud
  • The neighborhood symphony orchestra
  • Processed cheese
  • Homemade cheese
  • Shredded cheese
  • The Boxcar Children
  • Your replica Civil War-era musket
  • A broken leg
  • Kerosene
  • A feral wolverine
  • Someone else’s infant
  • A hot casserole
  • Paint
  • Both of your hacksaws
  • An iPod (In areas with heavy traffic, because you might not hear the cars coming.  It’s a serious safety precaution.)
  • Crusty custard
  • The flu
  • An overwhelming sense of confusion and disapproval as regards today’s society and the people in charge of it
  • A chatty running partner
  • An elk
  • The loveliest floral teapot you ever did see
  • $300 in nickels
  • Anything you’ve shoplifted in the last few days
  • Anyone who refers to every animal they see indiscriminately as a “critter”
  • A chafing shirt
  • Several iron ingots
  • H2SO4
  • A moderately inexperienced taxidermist

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